Summary: She had a choice to make. Post episode 2x05.
Characters: Jane, Van Pelt
It was never going to happen with Jane. If Van Pelt had learned one thing over the past year it was that.
Jane was unreachable, impenetrable. Rigsby wasn’t. She didn’t know where she stood with Jane. With Rigsby, it was clear. He had told her exactly how he felt without any hint of embarrassment or self protection. She didn’t have to guess what he wanted. And Van Pelt was tired of having to guess. Of always wondering. Everything she felt when it came to Patrick Jane.
She sometimes wondered if she had imagined what had happened between them – the brief few hours they spent together when Jane had truly let her in for the first and only time. Since then, she had been waiting for it happen again, trying to get close to him through all of his games and misdirection.
But Jane never allowed it. She pretended that he would change, that if she persevered he might tell her what she wanted to hear. He might show her. In the meantime she contented herself with the looks he sometimes gave her, the way he called her Grace against protocol, the times he smiled at her and she felt it down to her toes, the memory of staring deep into his eyes while he was inside her and believing, just for a moment, that she had every part of him.
She’d been contented, but always hoping, always hoping.
Now, it was harder to believe his distance was because he’d lost his family and was on mission to find their killer. She used to think that he wouldn’t let himself feel anything for anyone else while Red John was still out there. But she was starting to admit to herself that even if they caught Red John, even if Jane got his revenge, nothing was going to change. He was too far gone to let anyone into his life that cared about him, and that he would allow himself love back.
He would never make a declaration as Rigsby had done, never allow himself to be that vulnerable. Not with her.
Van Pelt had a decision to make. Her first instinct after Rigsby’s admission was to pull away, which is exactly what she did. She kept him at arm’s length, though she knew she was hurting him. She had to think, had to decide if she was going to allow herself to care for someone who loved her so completely, who wasn’t afraid to tell her, and who would break the rules to be with her.
Jane would do none of those things.
Van Pelt came to the realization that she wanted them, that she deserved them. And it was time to stop fooling herself that Patrick Jane would ever be able to be that man. It was the reality of the situation, and Van Pelt was a realist. She also couldn’t deny her affection for Rigsby, who only wanted to be loved in return. She could give that to him. He deserved it, too.
She didn’t meet Jane’s eyes over the case closed pizza as he handed her a plastic cup of priceless wine. She had made her decision. She had to keep Jane as far from her thoughts as possible – a new regimen she had started the moment she pulled Rigsby into the interview room and kissed him. She couldn’t allow Jane in as she had done before, no matter how much she wanted to or how hard a habit it was to break. Being with Rigsby was certainly one way to start the process of letting Jane go.
She ignored the whisper of a voice in her head that hinted that it wasn’t fair to Rigsby. She didn’t listen to the taunts that it didn’t matter how kind and caring he was, he wasn’t Jane. She shut down the pangs of regret and longing, and sipped at her wine, hoping it would give her enough of a buzz to silence any thought but that of being with Rigsby.
At least, she tried.